Go Fish...

I owned a Tarot deck at one time. I was in my 20s, fresh out of college and finally on my own. I didn't have a serious interest in the occult; I wasn't "into" that scene. But I picked them up with a purpose. I wanted answers.

At that time, all of my angst, worry, and confusion were centered on men. Or my lack of success with men. I just wanted to know when I'd fall in love. So, I unwrapped the deck, gave them a shuffle and asked. I can't remember what cards came up, but I remember they were grim and angering. I never used the deck, again.

I've started going to Bible study in an attempt to reconnect with my faith, with God. This past week, a gentleman in my group shared his experiences "opening himself to the Lord." He truly believed that God spoke to him, guided him in these times. Another man, to lighten the mood, mentioned a friend he has who regularly opens the Bible to a random page, points a finger at a random passage and believes God is answering her prayers and questions with the particular verse. We all laughed a bit at this story and continued our discussion.

I confess, lately I've been full of angst, worry, and confusion. I think it has a lot to do with my approaching birthday. So, the morning after Bible study thought, "What the hell..." I cracked open my bible, blindly pointed to a verse and read. I had opened to Psalms and hit on a passage about "the wicked." I was not amused and decided to give up that particular way of finding answers.

This morning, though, I passed by my Bible and was hit with the urge to give it another try. At first, I paged too far back and hit the concordance. Second shot landed me in 1st Corinthians. The verse was eerily (EERILY) apropos, but also grim and angering. I shut the book with a slam.

As I drove to work, I mentally fumed. God really sucks. Really, though, He often "says" things we don't like. But, He's the Big Cheese. We should listen. Right?

I then started wondering why I asked Him in the first place if I already knew what He'd say. It was all because I was looking for answers. The same reason I asked the Tarot all those years back. This triggered a small epiphany.

I have been doing a lot of self analysis, trying to understand myself better. Once again, I think it has a lot to do with my approaching birthday. One thing that I've discovered is my near-inability to make big decisions. I have, until this point, let life happen to me. No take-charge decisiveness on my part, because it would be too risky. Risky, because I have very little faith in myself. I just don't believe I can make big decisions. I don't believe I can make right decisions.

So, I've let life make the decisions for me. And if life didn't step up, I asked the Tarot. And now, God. This morning, I did exactly what I'm trying to break myself of. I was looking for answers outside of myself. Putting my faith, not in myself, but in something or someone else.

I need to trust myself to answer the big questions. I need to trust myself to decide on the right paths to take. No one knows what's right for me except me. I've got to open my mind and point to the right decision. It's in there and nowhere else.

Still, I may try to unearth my old Tarot cards. I wonder if it can double as an Old Maid deck...